It happened around 12:30 a.m. on Tuesday night / Wednesday morning when I took the dog out back to potty. I left the back door slightly cracked just in case the kids woke up.
In the three minutes we were out back, an intruder quietly slipped into my house.
He was right behind me and I didn’t even know it.
I almost woke the neighborhood when I saw him. Jake was working. It was the middle of the night. I didn’t think this would quite count as wildlife removal (although it totally should). I knew I was going to have to put on my big girl pants and deal with it. I planned to catch and release as quickly as possible.
I grabbed a Tupperware container and a spatula. Then I decided I liked that particular container too much so I threw it back in the cabinet and got an old one with orange stains from spaghetti sauce. (Speaking of…Does anyone know how to get that out?)
The Intruder saw me coming. He knew his time was short. I had my game face on and we were going to nip this little adventure of his in the bud. But he was just too quick for me with all his slitherin’ and sticky feet and - insert shudder here - stuff and he hid somewhere in the black hole that is the space under / behind our piano.
Now I know what you’re probably thinking… It’s just a lizard. He’s actually almost cute. What’s the big deal?
Well I’m glad you asked. Because I’m going to tell you all the reasons it’s a big deal!
Here are all the
crazy irrational somewhat realistic things I’ve worried about during the last two days.
#1 The Intruder was going to slither its creepy little self all the way from the dining room through the living room, down the hall, into my bedroom and onto my face while I slept. Nevermind that it would be the lizard equivalent of 37 miles. It could happen.
#2 The Intruder was going to crawl inside my piano and the next time the kids wanted to play chopsticks…well…let’s just say the piano would have seen better days. And smells.
#3 The Intruder was going to get comfy somewhere in my house and lay eggs. Then there would be lots of little Intruders squirmin’ and slitherin’ all over the place.
#4 The dog would find The Intruder before I did. Then there would be trails of gore all over the house. The kids would be traumatized and I would have to clean it up, gagging all the while.
#5 The kids would find The Intruder before I did. Then we would somehow end up with a terrarium and a permanent addition to the family. I would end up at the pet store figuring out what to feed a gecko. We would then have reptiles AND bugs in our house. On purpose.
#6 The Intruder would be waiting for me to open the cabinet and then pop out to say “HI!” I would then jump backwards, trip over the dog who is always behind me, crack my head on the edge of the counter, and my kids would have to figure out how to call 911 on our phone with the battery that is never charged. We would all be traumatized and need lots of therapy.
#7 I would step on The Intruder on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. See previously mentioned issues with gore, gagging, and clean up.
#8 The Intruder would be enjoying a nice swim in the toilet when I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.
#9 The Intruder would find a comfy place to rest inside my shoe. I wouldn’t see it until I started to stick my foot in there and it would slither up my leg and around my waist and up my back into my hair. I would scream, pass out, spend the next three hours in the shower, and only wear sandals and flip flops for the rest of my life. No matter the temperature. I would end up with frost bite and lose a few toes.
#10 Word would get around the gecko community that lives just outside my door eating all the bugs attracted to our porch lights. We would have more and more Intruders. They’ll tell each other in their little lizard language how great our house is. Then word would spread amongst all the reptiles and amphibians. Our first snake would arrive via the tub faucet while I was in the shower. And then? Well, then I would die.
So you see, folks. It is a big deal. And by the way, The Intruder is still here. Somewhere. Just biding his time before he gets started on this list.
Let this be a cautionary tale. Always close the door behind you when you take the dog out back.